Aaron “Hulk” Michalko, a direct descendant of Zeus, grew up in Athens, Greece with a herd of goats. He lived off of olive based products, cheese, and spoke several dialects of bleating. Every Tuesday, Aaron would be taught the art of Spartan war tactics from a magical satyr that smoked out of clay pipe and wore high heels. One day, frustrated by the satyr’s crude, chauvinist jokes against noble women, Aaron snatched the pipe from the beast’s mouth and chucked it as far away as possible. Little did he know that the clay pipe would hit Achilles square in the heel and lead to the heroes’ downfall. Immediately following this tragic scene, Captain Crunch came down from Mt. Olympus and “crunchitized” Aaron. Aaron was left wounded and crippled while kids around the world continued to enjoy the Captain’s delicious breakfast cereal. Though he was unable to move his legs, Aaron succeeded in parting the red sea and dragged his body across the soggy sea floor with just his arms. His diligent and strenuous crawling helped him acquire a rock solid six-pack. Unfortunately, once he had crossed the entire ocean, he realized that he had had the ability to walk the whole time. Aaron ended up trekking to a small city called Rochester and resided there as a hobo. If you remember, he was that kid who sang barbershop alone on the streets, preached about chestnuts being lazy, and stored gummy bears in his beard. The Midnight Ramblers took pity on this Greek God who had fallen from grace and eventually let him sing in the group. The Ramblers are sure glad they have Aaron. Not only can he recite every line from 300, but he also makes a mean feta cheese.